Where My Mind Goes

Where My Mind Goes

 If you want to know how ridiculous my mind is, I am happy to tell you.  I am willing to share because I can only hope that I can help someone else when her mind goes down the same road as mine.  Also, if I write what is on my heart, I can somehow solve my way through these thoughts and out the other side to a place of more intelligence and brevity.  

When something strikes a nerve with me and causes me to begin to worry (so many things the older I get), my mind travels down the icy hell hole of worst possible scenarios.  I am very good at imagining the worst.  I can pull up every horrible memory and apply it to the present situation.  Presently, I am in a waiting room at a hospital.  My husband has just had knee replacement surgery.  He is in recovery.  While here in the waiting room, I have heard three different women on the over-loud t.v. mention the loss of the love of their lives.  Oh my, is this a sign?  Is this what is going to happen to me?

Then I hear from the doctor.  All went well and be sure to follow the directions.  Well, I am sure I won't do that correctly.  Does the dr. know that my husband's mother died from a post operative blood clot days after this very kind of surgery?  What about infection?  How will he ever make it?  Sure, they do this every day...sure they will go through everything with me.  Does my calm and intelligent mind listen?  NO!  Only my fearful mind perks up and sets the wheels of worry in motion. 

So, I go to the nurses to ask a question.  Nurses wear masks and are very busy people.  I ask about recovery and where he is at this moment.  The nurse is curt.  She is matter-of-fact.  She is not connected to my husband nor does she see under my mask or through my eyes that I have worked myself into a worry place and I want to cry.  I need comfort and just want to hear comforting words.  She has no idea.  She delivers information as if she is spitting out a receipt from a register.  No comfort here.

Then I text a friend who offers love, scripture and sweet words.  Yes, this helps some but the anxiety is still roaming around my solar plexus and  wants to take root.  I am imagining him spending the night.  I am imagining living without him.  I am bargaining with God.  I am offering sacrifices seeking what I might give up to save his life.  I am envisioning the lonely life of a single woman.  Where will I live?  Where will I go?  How will I ever move on?

So, then I  begin writing this blog post.  The mirror of my words faces back at me.  Jane, what are you doing?  Where are you going?  Is this helpful?  Do you understand the difference between reality and the supposed musings you have gathered?  I don't think you do.  I think you need some endorphins.  I think you need some smiles.  I think you need some happiness reminders.  Pull yourself up, Jane.  You've done it a million times.  Time to do it again.  Cut it out. Cut it out.

Now I breathe.  I breathe the breaths I have been taught by my therapist, Corina.  In through the nose, hold, out through the mouth.  Repeat.  Look to the horizon.  I see the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains.  I see blue sky.  I see paths where planes have taken off to far off destinations bringing folks on vacations or home or anywhere on this blessed earth.  I learn again to trust God.  I remind myself of all the good in my life and that God has been with me every little second of every little day.  Ever since I was 12 years old, when I began to believe in God, I have known deep down that He is in control of my life.  No amount of worry will ever change one thing in my life.  However, positivity WILL.  

So, once again, I talk to my brain and emotions and tell them to come back to the place where joy resides.  Come back!  You over there, with one leg over the edge of the cliff to no where, come back!  You control your mind.  It does not control you...not that it doesn't try.  

Take Good Care Today.