Find You Again

 

There have been times in my life, usually when I've worked very hard for days and days upon end with few chances to really relax in between, when I have found myself lost.  I use that diametric phrase 'found myself lost' on purpose.  When in the midst of a busy time of life (um, all of it) I don't notice that I have lost myself.  I run on the mundane, accomplishing rote exercises and routines.  I don't have a chance to think deeply.  I don't ponder my life in a way that causes me to stop and consider my direction, my feelings, or how I'm doing at accomplishing anything.  I push on and push through until I am frazzled, unhappy, and at a loss---but don't know why.

Finally, when I get (or take) the chance to slow down, it begins to dawn on me that the real, inner me is vacant - left the premises.  I have literally lost myself.  I don't know where I went, how long I've been gone, or how I got there.  I just know I'm nowhere to be found.  I exist, but I exist without my real self being present.  A portion of me has taken a back seat to the professional, homemaker, exerciser, friend, spouse sides of me.  I've been pushed down because there is no room.  I've been suffocated out of existence and squelched to a place where I must stay until there is space or break in time enough to emerge.  As time rolls on, I'm smaller and smaller.  The real me is still alive yet lies dormant.  It can't take a full-bodied breath.  The only air I get is of very shallow intake, enough only to sustain life, but not to nurture it.

Then, (I'd like to say just in the nick of time, but usually way past this point), I have a pause from the normal responsibilities and requirements of life.  A vacation or an illness has stopped me in my tracks, and I begin to peel off the layers that have coated the inner self. My authentic 'me' comes into view.  A glimpse of myself emerges.  Not a full-on vision, mind you, but just a tiny piece comes to light.  I see it and I recognize it, but only slightly.  I am immediately in a state of almost panic.  I have an outer body experience where I see her but am not her.  I want her - I want to be her.  I want to take her out and put her on like a lovely new dress.  She won't come all at once.  She's been neglected.  She's been ignored. 

How do I get her back? I must summon her forth with some coercive nuances. I go to the bookshelf and pull a few of my old favorites from the shelf. These are the books that have helped form my inner me. Their words caress my true person to break free from the shackles I've inadvertently placed on her.  I gather a magazine or two that I've kept over the decades so I might peruse some decor and articles I admire.  I grab my pack of poems that I've written.  I make a cup of coffee and sit amongst my treasures.  As I delve into these items, I begin to feel a spark of life inside of me.  She, who is me  begins to rise like the Phoenix, breathing deeper with each inhale. Like Frankenstein's monster, pieces of myself begin to come to life.  

I'm out of time.  I must prepare for the next duty required of me.  My inner self will have to wait for some more nourishment until a later date.  I make a promise to myself that I won't wait so long this time.  I won't lose her.  I won't let her slip into oblivion...

Don't Lose Your Taste for Authenticity (for Kathy and Leann)

 

Don't Lose Your Taste for Authenticity

(A blog post for Kathy and Leann - because they know what I'm talking about)

I made plain, old fashioned muffins recently.  I used to make these muffins years and years ago.  They are a plain muffin with a scoop of jam placed in the middle and then baked.  There is nothing overly sweet about them.  They are not beautiful looking and they are not fancy by any stretch.  Somehow, however, they are perfect on this day.  They taste authentic.  

What does authentic taste like to me today?  Well, it tastes of raising children in the back woods of Vermont on less money than anyone could ever imagine.  It tastes of using my resources because that is all I had.  It tastes of climbing hills to apple trees to render what we could so we could put up free applesauce for winter babies' mouths.  This muffin represents a woman who made the family bread weekly and created home-made decorations out of construction paper when birthdays arose.  Authenticity is reusing and repurposing anything and everything so that something new could be made.  It is styling second-hand clothes in such a way that everyone thinks you're a fashion model.  It is daring and pure and necessary and wonderful.  

This simple muffin is my life.  One that I would not change any aspect of because I am in need of all it has brought and taught me.  I would not be my authentic self if I did not cry when spoken to harshly.  I would not be my true self if I did not attempt to twirl on any given surface when I am happy.  I couldn't be me without my childhood trauma, my red headed children, my dearest two friends that have held me up so many days, my husband who is my breath and even this silly dog who pants beside me as I type.  I am true authenticity even if it means I own false eye lashes and fake tanner.  I am the authentic Jane who can't see this writing through the tears, who celebrates little things like worms and throws Christmas Bingo parties for 2 during the holidays for a less than thrilled husband.

Where does your authenticity lie?  I would love to know!  

Take Good Care today.  Stay Close to God.  

A Chance to Breathe

A Chance to Breathe

We live in a world where we don't take the chance often enough to just breathe.  Even our vacations are filled with craziness! If you're like me, it takes a few days, anyway, to get into the flow of what it is like to relax.  Our bodies are not familiar with relaxation and letting go of structure and the constant need to be filled with something in front of our eyes and ears.  

I've often written of my perfect day.  Yes, it is a day free of obligations and errands.  It has writing and reading and running in it.  A fresh shower with some rosy smelling soap, a little sit in the sunshine...some baking (and nibbling).  It would include quiet and green, lush, leaves from trees.  As I list my favorite things, I realize these feed me.  They cause me to have a chance to breathe.  I breathe in restful calmness.  I breathe in restoration.  I experience a replenishing of soul-deep connection to who I am and always was- but lost in the world's chaos. 

We all need this.  Men and women alike.  Sometimes we go and go and never stop.  When I was raising my children, we had one pj day a week if we possibly could.  It was something we loved.  We climbed onto the bed and watched movies, read books, and played board games.  We made snacks and cuddled.  I can't have that back, but I can learn to adjust and do these things for and by myself.  They are the essence of life.  

Without the moments that fill our souls, we become shells of who we could and should be.  We become a shadow self-the black and white version of who we were meant to be, what we work so hard for and thus, what we have left for the world is shallow and weak.  You cannot stop this from always happening.  Some of the time - we get there because it's required of us to go fast.  Often, though, we have room to exercise restraint on what we allow the world to steal from us.  This, we must do, friend.  We must protect our hearts from the invasion of 'it' all.  

Stay close to God.

Take good care today.  

When You're Hurt

 

                                                            

                                                              When You're Hurt

Recently, I suffered an injury by my own hand.  What I mean is that I caused myself to be injured by over-exercising a particular muscle that was already hurting and I've had to rest for a few weeks now with no exercise at all.  This is so hard for me to do, and it's not the first time I've done this.  I should know better, but I don't.  I am a driven person when it comes to some things and I can't listen to the voice of reason.  Thus, I am hurt.  

I don't like being hurt.  It throws me off.  I don't know where I am anymore when I am stuck on the couch with an injury.  I mean, I know where I am - I just don't know where I am.  Pain causes us to see the world in a different way, it colors all that we know and trust.  It makes us shaky and weird.  I don't like it.  I can't seem to eat right, my joy is gone and I feel impatient and worried.  You would think I would learn not to cause myself pain, but I can't always get to the 'perfect' Jane I so want to be.

Similarly, we can cause ourselves pain by beating ourselves up.  I am quite familiar with this little gig.  Something happened in my life where I let myself and some others down.  I didn't do it intentionally, and I was not solely responsible for this event, but nonetheless, it is a position I find myself in.  I find I am hurt, once again.  My heart hurts-and unlike the physical pain I am going through, ice doesn't help this one.  The remedy for this pain is going to have to be time and my own forgiveness to myself.  I have to move on having learned a lesson and not allow myself the luxury of wallowing or pitying.  

To add insult to injury, someone I know recently came to me and told me they were sorry for talking bad about me behind my back.  While this might have been beneficial to the person, it HURT me so much.  I have to find a way to hold up my own worth and move to a higher ground.  

Life is full of moments that will cause us pain, both physically and emotionally.  We must work to see through all of these by being kind to ourselves and trusting in our God who loves us and cares about every little thing.  Jesus is not for fun days only.  I need Jesus every minute of every day.  My hurt belongs to Him and it's the only way I can make it another day.  The same is true for all of us whether we know it or not.  

Grow through hurt.  

Make it a good day.  :)

    

Unreasonable Expectations - Don't Go There

 If I could tell one thing to my younger self it would be, "Do not set unreasonable expectations for yourself."  Throughout life we are exposed to so many opinions, viewpoints, advertisements and beliefs that we sometimes find ourselves trying to measure up to many, if not all, of them.  We see something that catches our attention, and we often are swayed to feel or think we HAVE to imitate it.  This is very true of advertisements which are geared toward this very reaction.  Our economy is premised on the promise that we will be coerced into purchasing whatever is for sale in order to try to achieve it for ourselves.  This is sadly inauthentic and a sad way to live.  

I did an experiment once where I  spent one whole quiet summer (before internet) without looking at magazines and flyers that came in the mail.  I wanted to see what would happen if I reduced my exposure to things I might WANT.  I had no television during those years, so this really was a valid trial.  I was not tempted by new clothes and I also felt a little happier with my own appearance, which I have always criticized.  This was a nice experience for me.  

 It is important consider that we might be unhappy in portions of our lives because we are constantly being held up against unrealistic expectations.  I have to confess, I have held myself to extremely high standards that have many times exceeded the realm of realistic. I have pushed myself often to run farther, be thinner, smarter, accomplish more…the list is truly rather long.  It’s unfortunate in some ways, but it’s also part of what it means to live in this world where a continual barrage of input comes our way.  

I have begun to look around less and look inside more. I like shutting everything down and reading, crocheting, baking, exercising, writing, praying, listening, seeing, resting.  It’s been so good for my soul.  I can sometimes get distracted, but I want my life to be MY LIFE.  Not social media, websites, t.v., movies, Netflix, etc.  I want my mind to be TO BELONG ME and GOD.  

One of my best friends once said she was sick of taking pictures of life and posting them.  She just wanted to live it instead.  I Agree! Have you set unrealistic expectations on yourself? Trust my experience, it’s a hard way to live-and is it really living?  

Take good care today.

Your Heart is an Organ

 

                                                               Your Heart is an Organ

If you know my story, you know that I had a pretty terrible father.  From my earliest memory, all I knew was a man who beat up on my mother, was negligent to the family, and weird with us kids.  He was a dangerous man and because of the trauma he put our family through, I was an incredibly scared and insecure child.  When I use the word 'insecure' here I mean that we had NO SECURITY.  My father was in and out of our lives so often that abandonment was a normal, if terrifying, feeling.  It was easier not having him around even if it meant we had nothing to eat or were cold in the tiny, uninsulated Vermont camp he had dragged us to.  The police took him away when I was 7 ish and I didn't have to see him any more.

My mom did her best and we soon moved to an apartment above a store in a small village.  One day I received a large box in the mail.  I should let you know here that I did not know who Jesus was.  He was not taught or shown to me by anyone, ever.  I knew of God (Catholic school) but it was not a very deep or detailed knowledge.  Back to my package!  When opened, I discovered it was a child's organ!  I mean the  instrument kind!  It had legs and a little bench.  The card said, 'from your father.'  Well, I was excited to have anything to play with, so I learned to play that organ as if it were the only toy I had, (which isn't far from the truth!)  

The organ came with one little book.  The book was purple and it was composed of only hymns.  I had no idea what they meant, but I played and sang songs like, "Faith of our Fathers, Amazing Grace, What a Friend I Have in Jesus," etc.  I sang and played and played and sang!  

I have recently thought a lot about this organ.  I am beginning to think this was a miracle in my life.  I am inclined to believe this gift was from my Father in Heaven and not my earthly father.  I wonder if God was looking down at me and thought, "I am going to save this little girl somehow, and if no one else will do it, I'll do it myself."  

In pondering this whole story, I also began to think about the double meaning in the word, 'organ.'  God sent me an Organ!  I mean, what could be more ironic and yet so fitting?  I am ever so thankful that these were the first seeds planted in my (organ) HEART and they were directed by my Lord himself.  How could I ever question my salvation or my purpose on this earth?  Clearly, I am SO LOVED by God.  

And you know what?  So are you, sister!  So are you!  

Take Good Care Today.  

 I love mornings.  The song of birds fills my ears and the sunlight is fresh and warm.  Mornings are inviting and promising.  Mornings are free and ready to bloom. They hold excitement and joy.   Mornings can be my favorite part of my days.  

However, mornings can also be pretty tough.  Morning time can be when the serotonin levels are down in the body and that can serve to feel oppressive.  Perhaps you have experienced what I experience which is a time of anxiety and gloominess that takes positive self-talk and the moving of my body to work through it.  It takes energy and hard work to turn it around.  I would also add, mornings can be that low that Satan is just waiting for so he can get  'in'.  It's his favorite thing to do  -  hold you back.  He loves to torment.  Ephesians 4:27 says, "Do not give the devil a foothold."  We must hold the word of God up in the face of Satan, each and every day.  Ephesians 6:12 is what we must do daily, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."  

When we moved to a new state where we knew no one, I experienced a whole new level of this morning suffering.  It made me afraid that I was headed to a bad place where I wouldn't be able to rise out of.  There were times I wanted to sit and cry, and sometimes I did.  However, I used to use my own self to try hard to get out of these moments.  I now see that that does not work for long, if at all.  What I have to do, and what you have to do, is to read our Bibles and put on the Full Armor of God daily!  Ephesians 6:10-18 says:  10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Biblegateway.com, NIV).

I've always felt a little abused by emotions.  I have felt they have bullied me much of my life - pushing me to places I never wanted to go.  They've been the path that is worn and open as opposed to the one that I have to hack away at to see my way through.  Emotions are something I've come to know need my utmost attention in order to not let them rule.  But, it is not merely emotion...it is emotion fueled by Satan.  This is where he likes to get his foothold with me.  I must stand firm daily, creating a new day with Jesus Christ where no fiery barbs of the devil can even come close!

So, with me, won't you put on your armor, stand firm against Satan, look out to the sunshine, get some exercise and rest happily in the love of Jesus Christ?  It's the only way to go.  

Take good care today.

It's Easier To Do the Thing You Are Avoiding

 It's easy to procrastinate, isn't it? It is WAY more fun to sit on the couch, lounge around, play an online game, watch t.v..., than it is to actually get up and accomplish what you know you should.  But, procrastination comes at a very high price.  Peace of mind.  

I have never been much of a procrastinator due to the very reason that it robs my peace of mind.  I cannot while away hours doing nothing when I know there is much to do.  It just isn't fun for me.  I cannot be convinced to do nothing with a day unless I have accomplished those tasks that I know need to be done.  

I'm not talking about housework (I can let dust rest better than most).  I speak mainly here of aligning my life's tasks with what I know are the strongest, healthiest and smartest moves I can make.  If I place those first, then when I do settle down, it is all the more sweeter.

I have found that the more I avoid what it is I know needs doing, the less peace I have.  In fact, it is easier to get up and accomplish those tasks than it is to listen to my mind remind me every few minutes that I really should get up and do something.  Compare it to when your dog keeps asking to go out and the more you avoid her, the more she gets up in your face until you can no longer ignore that the poor gal has to pee! (Don't judge me.  It's usually 4 a.m.!)  

If I did not listen to this inner voice I would be out of shape, disorganized and probably a lot less educated.  I would live in a reclusive world, disconnected and alone.  I would be hopelessly taunted by guilt pressing in on every side nudging me to move it or lose it.  I really believe it is easier to get up and go to stay strong, healthy and active, than it is to live in the doldrums of weakness and inactivity. (possibly resulting in illness or disease). 

This is not just about lifestyle.  It's about knowing that it's harder in the longer run to ignore yourself and those tasks that need your attention, than it is to actually attend to them.  It's ultimately more pleasant and I assure you, better for you.  

Take Good Care Today.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW

 You Know What You Know What You Know

Do you question yourself all the time?  Should I do this or do that?  Should I go to that or not go to that event?  I thought I knew what to say and now I'm not so sure.  I felt like I was on the right path, now I don't know anymore.  Do you hear these words inside of your head often?  

If you do, you're suffering from not reminding yourself that you know what you know what you know about yourself.  No one knows YOU like you know YOU.  No one else can tell you what is right for you, or what is not right for you.  You must connect with yourself on such a deep level, that you know what you know about yourself and there is nothing in the whole world that can take that from you.

For me, I know I am a strong, talented and skilled woman.  I know I make an impression wherever I go and I know people look at me and think, Wow, she has it all together!  And I do!  I have it all together...except for when I forget I know what I know what I know.  The trouble is, I forget this now and again.  This is my struggle in life.  Whether it's from childhood trauma, or lazy mind self-control...whatever has caused me to question myself and WHO I AM,  has taken root in me and it takes a TON of work for me to negate negativity and move on to that more positive place where I know what I know what I know.

It helps me to write.  Sunshine helps.  Warm weather helps.  Joy-filled people help.  God, (thank God) helps. Those are the outside factors that help, but what it really takes to remind me is HARD WORK.  It is hard, hard work to  keep your head above water most days and keep yourself centered.  It does get easier, but I can only say that to you with head-knowledge.  I can't say I've succeeded perfectly with this at this point in my life.  

However, I am gaining ground.  Presently, I am worried over whether I will find a new job.  My weak mind goes over and over the scenario of this NOT happening.  However, at this point in my life I have never lost my home, all my belongings and lived on the street.  I have always somehow managed to know what I know what I know long enough for someone else to see that person and offer me a job.  This will continually happen if I know what I know.  

Once again, I leave you with the January musings from a mind that worries too much and doesn't trust what she knows.  Please follow my lead and begin to reach for what you truly know before you head down the path of least resistance.  Apply what you know to what you know.  It is who you are at your core.  Now step out and faith, with me, and KNOW IT!

Take Good Care Today.

Where My Mind Goes

Where My Mind Goes

 If you want to know how ridiculous my mind is, I am happy to tell you.  I am willing to share because I can only hope that I can help someone else when her mind goes down the same road as mine.  Also, if I write what is on my heart, I can somehow solve my way through these thoughts and out the other side to a place of more intelligence and brevity.  

When something strikes a nerve with me and causes me to begin to worry (so many things the older I get), my mind travels down the icy hell hole of worst possible scenarios.  I am very good at imagining the worst.  I can pull up every horrible memory and apply it to the present situation.  Presently, I am in a waiting room at a hospital.  My husband has just had knee replacement surgery.  He is in recovery.  While here in the waiting room, I have heard three different women on the over-loud t.v. mention the loss of the love of their lives.  Oh my, is this a sign?  Is this what is going to happen to me?

Then I hear from the doctor.  All went well and be sure to follow the directions.  Well, I am sure I won't do that correctly.  Does the dr. know that my husband's mother died from a post operative blood clot days after this very kind of surgery?  What about infection?  How will he ever make it?  Sure, they do this every day...sure they will go through everything with me.  Does my calm and intelligent mind listen?  NO!  Only my fearful mind perks up and sets the wheels of worry in motion. 

So, I go to the nurses to ask a question.  Nurses wear masks and are very busy people.  I ask about recovery and where he is at this moment.  The nurse is curt.  She is matter-of-fact.  She is not connected to my husband nor does she see under my mask or through my eyes that I have worked myself into a worry place and I want to cry.  I need comfort and just want to hear comforting words.  She has no idea.  She delivers information as if she is spitting out a receipt from a register.  No comfort here.

Then I text a friend who offers love, scripture and sweet words.  Yes, this helps some but the anxiety is still roaming around my solar plexus and  wants to take root.  I am imagining him spending the night.  I am imagining living without him.  I am bargaining with God.  I am offering sacrifices seeking what I might give up to save his life.  I am envisioning the lonely life of a single woman.  Where will I live?  Where will I go?  How will I ever move on?

So, then I  begin writing this blog post.  The mirror of my words faces back at me.  Jane, what are you doing?  Where are you going?  Is this helpful?  Do you understand the difference between reality and the supposed musings you have gathered?  I don't think you do.  I think you need some endorphins.  I think you need some smiles.  I think you need some happiness reminders.  Pull yourself up, Jane.  You've done it a million times.  Time to do it again.  Cut it out. Cut it out.

Now I breathe.  I breathe the breaths I have been taught by my therapist, Corina.  In through the nose, hold, out through the mouth.  Repeat.  Look to the horizon.  I see the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains.  I see blue sky.  I see paths where planes have taken off to far off destinations bringing folks on vacations or home or anywhere on this blessed earth.  I learn again to trust God.  I remind myself of all the good in my life and that God has been with me every little second of every little day.  Ever since I was 12 years old, when I began to believe in God, I have known deep down that He is in control of my life.  No amount of worry will ever change one thing in my life.  However, positivity WILL.  

So, once again, I talk to my brain and emotions and tell them to come back to the place where joy resides.  Come back!  You over there, with one leg over the edge of the cliff to no where, come back!  You control your mind.  It does not control you...not that it doesn't try.  

Take Good Care Today.