Where My Mind Goes

Where My Mind Goes

 If you want to know how ridiculous my mind is, I am happy to tell you.  I am willing to share because I can only hope that I can help someone else when her mind goes down the same road as mine.  Also, if I write what is on my heart, I can somehow solve my way through these thoughts and out the other side to a place of more intelligence and brevity.  

When something strikes a nerve with me and causes me to begin to worry (so many things the older I get), my mind travels down the icy hell hole of worst possible scenarios.  I am very good at imagining the worst.  I can pull up every horrible memory and apply it to the present situation.  Presently, I am in a waiting room at a hospital.  My husband has just had knee replacement surgery.  He is in recovery.  While here in the waiting room, I have heard three different women on the over-loud t.v. mention the loss of the love of their lives.  Oh my, is this a sign?  Is this what is going to happen to me?

Then I hear from the doctor.  All went well and be sure to follow the directions.  Well, I am sure I won't do that correctly.  Does the dr. know that my husband's mother died from a post operative blood clot days after this very kind of surgery?  What about infection?  How will he ever make it?  Sure, they do this every day...sure they will go through everything with me.  Does my calm and intelligent mind listen?  NO!  Only my fearful mind perks up and sets the wheels of worry in motion. 

So, I go to the nurses to ask a question.  Nurses wear masks and are very busy people.  I ask about recovery and where he is at this moment.  The nurse is curt.  She is matter-of-fact.  She is not connected to my husband nor does she see under my mask or through my eyes that I have worked myself into a worry place and I want to cry.  I need comfort and just want to hear comforting words.  She has no idea.  She delivers information as if she is spitting out a receipt from a register.  No comfort here.

Then I text a friend who offers love, scripture and sweet words.  Yes, this helps some but the anxiety is still roaming around my solar plexus and  wants to take root.  I am imagining him spending the night.  I am imagining living without him.  I am bargaining with God.  I am offering sacrifices seeking what I might give up to save his life.  I am envisioning the lonely life of a single woman.  Where will I live?  Where will I go?  How will I ever move on?

So, then I  begin writing this blog post.  The mirror of my words faces back at me.  Jane, what are you doing?  Where are you going?  Is this helpful?  Do you understand the difference between reality and the supposed musings you have gathered?  I don't think you do.  I think you need some endorphins.  I think you need some smiles.  I think you need some happiness reminders.  Pull yourself up, Jane.  You've done it a million times.  Time to do it again.  Cut it out. Cut it out.

Now I breathe.  I breathe the breaths I have been taught by my therapist, Corina.  In through the nose, hold, out through the mouth.  Repeat.  Look to the horizon.  I see the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains.  I see blue sky.  I see paths where planes have taken off to far off destinations bringing folks on vacations or home or anywhere on this blessed earth.  I learn again to trust God.  I remind myself of all the good in my life and that God has been with me every little second of every little day.  Ever since I was 12 years old, when I began to believe in God, I have known deep down that He is in control of my life.  No amount of worry will ever change one thing in my life.  However, positivity WILL.  

So, once again, I talk to my brain and emotions and tell them to come back to the place where joy resides.  Come back!  You over there, with one leg over the edge of the cliff to no where, come back!  You control your mind.  It does not control you...not that it doesn't try.  

Take Good Care Today.  

Who is Your Person?

Who is Your PERSON?

Who's Your Person?

In just a few days my husband will have knee replacement surgery.  Interestingly, just after his hip replacement in the middle of Covid shut-down in the spring of 2020, his knee on the same leg began to cause him extreme pain.  Of course, this is all no surprise to the doctors and falls within the normal expectations.  He's worked his body very hard providing for his family and his body needs some help, so here we go again.

As I ponder the short-term future, so many things come to mind.  I consider his recovery and pray all will go well.  In the middle of the night, when my mind's guard is down, I fear the worst.  I know that however much time I commit to worry over this it will change 0% of the outcome.  No matter where my thoughts travel, one thing always resurfaces:  HE is my person.  

Don't get me wrong.  I have terrific friends.  Leann and Kathy would never abandon me and have dropped their own lives on several occasions to be at my side.  I have a loving family - a lovely mom and step-dad and wonderful sister.  I am close to my own children and adore all that is them.  But, and it's a huge but, no one in that list can be 'my person'.  They all have to have their own persons just like I have to have mine.  

My person is not perfect.  He does not do things 'my way' or always think what I think.  But, my person knows me.  He can get me out of a bad mood when I'm down.  He prays with me when I'm in need.  He surprises me with his wit and intellect.  He cares for me in a way no one ever has.  HE Is My Person.  

I've lived along enough to know that the world is a better place when we open our hearts to another in a way makes us vulnerable and exposed.  It is worth the risk.  We do get hurt.  This person is not my first person.  My first person let me down in a way that hurt for a long time.  However, even knowing that, I still opened myself up to a new person.  I am an awesome person and fun to be around, but I am not everything to me.  I want to have someone to hold my hand and give me his shoulder to rest upon.  I want the joys and sorrows of life to be co-anchored.  I don't want to face everything, or anything, alone.  I am willing to compromise, labor and sacrifice so that another person wants to hang with me in this life.

I know not everyone needs or wants to have someone who is just hers or his.  I mean, I can't really fathom that, but I'll acknowledge it's a thing.  However, I need my person, this person. The old BREAD song says it best: 

"If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away" (David Gates)

Take Good Care Today.

Help Yourself!

 

You are a dandelion sun in 
a green universe!

Help Yourself! You're the Only One Who Can!

When you feel hopeless you are surely not helpless.  The feelings that sometimes emerge on a dark winter morning do not have to push on into your day.  You have the power to help yourself.  Because we cannot rely on the 'outside' of us to fulfill us, we must pull our fulfillment from our insides and let that ooze all over our outsides.  It is helpful to remember that our endorphins are lower in the a.m. and especially on the shorter, darker days.  I have struggled with this as long as I can remember.  This is what drove me to  perfect a way to design a day!

 One way to help your hopeless feelings is to make a plan.  This is the first step.  Get paper and pen (I have a pretty booklet) and create your day. What are some odd jobs you've been putting off?  Who could you write a sweet note to? (Me) Bake a dessert, look at recipes and plan for a week, organize something!  I could go on and so could you.  

If your energy is not there to pull a plan together, PUSH yourself to go for a walk or do some sort of exercise for even just a few minutes.  I am writing this post an early morning exercise routine and a walk.  I felt so low when I awoke this a.m.  It is 4 days after Christmas, my family (whom I won't see again for months) left yesterday and it is dark and dreary outside.  Believe me, I DID not have the physical gumption to do anything about my situation.  However, I DID have the desire to not feel hopeless.  

I have lived long enough to know that if we don't help ourselves, no one will.  I mean, they will, but they really can't.  People are thoughtful and you can always call a friend to talk with you and pray with you.  This is a good idea.  But, if you do nothing with their words, or aren't able to internalize your prayers, then you will still wallow in hopelessness.  You must help yourself.  I knew this a.m. that my heart would continue to hurt and I would just be down all day if I didn't move my body and get a plan in action.  

Help yourself out.  The more you do it, the more you'll live each moment with joy and happiness.  I want this for myself and I know you do as well.  Put legs to helpfulness and kick hopelessness out of your life!

Take Good Care Today!

Here I Go Again.

A silly photo of me! 

Here I Go Again

It's been a few years since I've blogged.  It amazes me how the spirit of writing will come and go.  Often, when it comes, I am not in the position to write.  So, I write in my mind.  I write volumes of heartfelt texts.  I write ideas about life.  I write encouraging notes and endearing inspirational stories.  I find that we all need a dialog whether it be written or spoken or thought.  We NEED to hear words.  I NEED to hear words.  I know I am not alone with this and I am desperate to internalize that truth:  I am not alone.

Once in awhile there comes a day when I think that no one wants or needs to hear MY words.  I suffer momentarily from the insecurity or inferiority that makes my mind go into that zone where it tells me that I have nothing to offer the world.  I go to that place where I convince myself that I am the only one who thinks a certain way and that all of the things that 'pass through Jane's head' are singular and narrow.  

Then the sun comes out behind my eyes and my heart lifts. I look to the horizon and I am filled with the realization that those other thoughts are lies.  Those are stories that I tell myself because we tell ourselves the most awful stories.  Momentarily, I cling to the cliff of self-doubt, but I need to fling that leg over the cliff and remind myself that I need people.  People need to hear from each other and connect to each other.  Women need to connect to each other.  This is an integral part of life and it truly is the wind that carries the current of fellowship - of inter-connectedness - which allows us to see each other, to carry each other and to love each other.  Loving each other helps us to love ourselves and that, in essence, is what we all need. 

So, here I write again.  I am opening up my heart and my mind to vulnerability.  I am giving myself permission to NOT listen to that inner critic that tells me those stories.  I am choosing to step out in faith and trust that my thoughts are needed in the universe.  There is a market for my experiences fed through my thoughts and transformed into my words.  I trust and believe that MY own needs are the very same needs of another and another and another. I am, therefore I write.  I write because I have to for my own sanity, growth and joy.  I need to connect through words but beyond the words, I need to connect with the reader who hopefully finds even a morsel of herself in my offerings.

Take Good Care Today.

Time Spent.

I've always thought a day was an awesome thing.  Especially a day you had all to yourself with nothing planned and nothing in front of you.  I mean, it is a blessing and a true gift and how you will spend it is entirely of your own design and desire.  If you put too much thought into it, you will ruin your day.  If you just let it happen, you may regret that you didn't do a certain thing you had been wanting to do.  There are so many ways to spend a 'free' day that you can consume your day trying to decide what is the best way to spend it.  One must have a light heart and a clear mind when they consider how to spend a day.

Even on a work day, there is some time you get to yourself.  There is always time, here and there, to somehow replenish, rejuvenate, or relax within your day.  However, many of us don't think about our days and we let them happen. I fear we might lose some of the preciousness of life this way.  

Whether a work day or a 'free' day, we have a DAY.  It could be our last day.  It could be the first of a million more.  We don't know.  Anything could happen to us at any moment so we should always live fully, but we can't live too fully because we'd waste away our bodies and funds and have nothing to use in the future, because of course, none of us want this to be our last day...

Days.  Time.  Moments.  If we aren't careful they get filled with video games, television, dumb things that don't matter.  But then again, who am I to say that anything is dumb?  What if it were all the same and life is life and whether we fill our days with lofty readings of Emerson and Thoreau or whether we watch a Netflix series-it doesn't matter?  What if none of it mattered and it is just life and life is just what happens and time passes either way?  We live awhile and we do our best and then we don't live any more.  

Oh well, pretty deep for now.  I'm glad I thought about all that and I'm glad that this is how my mind works, but for now, I'm going to refresh my coffee and listen to the birds.  That makes me happy this minute. Later, I'll read Walden and play Zombies. What makes you happy this minute?  How will you spend your day?

Take Good Care Today.

The Fire in the Middle of the Family

According to Native American beliefs, women are the fire in the middle of the family.  We are the ones that keep the home.  We make it comforting and soft.  Women have a special touch that makes the heart of the home and keeps those who belong happy and healthy.

Yes, there are exceptions to every rule.  There are men who can do this, but not the vast majority, in my opinion.  Also, there are women who can't do this well.  But, I do agree, that for the most part, women are the fire in the middle of the family.

A house is four walls with some furniture, but each woman takes what she has and makes it as comfortable and comforting as she possibly can so that her loved ones have a retreat to return to when the day is done.  I remember when my children were little I couldn't wait for them to return from school so I could see them in the environment I had prepared for them.  I did what I could throughout the day to make their home a sanctuary for them so they would feel sheltered from whatever happened throughout their days.  

The world is a rough place.  It is important to have a place where you can forget the world- where the world is your immediate surroundings and those surroundings are the very things that bring you the most joy so that you can re-energize for the following days.  If we didn't break away and return to that 'fire' we would lose stamina fast.

I find that if I go away on vacation for a long while (over a week, say) I begin to lose my bearings.  My spirit knows when it's not around its fire.  The longer we stay away from our fires, the more we lose ourselves.  There is no place like home.

Enjoy being the fire in the middle of your family.  They need you more than you know.  Make that fire bright and shiny so those whom you love are rekindled and refreshed!  You, too, benefit from your fire. Your benefit is two-fold.  You get the joy of being the fire-keeper and giving to others through that and you benefit from the warmth of the fire.  Enjoy your fire.

Take Good Care Today. 

It's None of Your Business

The Toltec religion teaches that we each live our own dream.  We experience what we experience, we perceive what we each perceive and we interpret on an individual basis.  No two of us are exactly the same and the experiences we go through are never identical.  We think one way about something while another thinks entirely differently about the same something.  Our 'dreams' are indicative to our own lives and no two are exact.  

Sometimes we think we know what other people are thinking.  How brilliant of us!  We think we can read minds.  In actuality, we cannot read another person's thoughts. (I have no idea how mentalists perform those tricks...) We are not blessed with that superior feature of being able to telepathically communicate, at least not as a large population.  There may be one or two people who have some phenomenal skill that no one can explain, but that aside...  I have been very, very  guilty of thinking I 'know' what another is thinking about me.  It has been one of my worst habits.  I am incredibly self-conscious sometimes and I NEVER think another is thinking good of me.  

Most often I make up crazy stories about how I think others are considering my imperfect body, lack of knowledge about World War II or how poorly I tell a joke.  I wonder how many times I've been right about what they are thinking?  More importantly, I wonder how many times I've been wrong?

I read a quote yesterday that said, "What others are thinking about you is none of your business."  What an epiphany that was!  It is truly none of my business what others are thinking about me!  I love that.  I don't want it to be my business and I have no idea how and when I decided it was!  I give that up to the universe right now!  No way do I want the job any more of considering what others are thinking about me.  

If I am doing the best that I can do, each and every day, and I am living my life happily and joyfully with integrity, supporting a healthy moral set, why should I have a care in the world?  I need to care less.  Somehow I thought it was my job to care what everyone thought about me.  Well, you know what?  I can't carry that load any more.  I am me and you are you.  Those who will love us will love us and those who won't, won't.  But, if they don't....it's none of your business.  Move one.  Next?

Take Good Care Today and Mind Your Own Business.  :)

Swear Not By the Moon

Juliet tells Romeo to not swear by the moon because the moon changes all the time.  It is not constant enough to be something one would swear by.  She was right.  The moon, in all its phases, is clearly not to be trusted.  We cannot rely on the moon to guide our days, or our nights.

To me, 'swearing by' something is making a promise.  Promises are tough.  One has to be totally secure in their decision before they can make a promise that they can then swear by something to keep it.  I am not sure I have enough control over the world to make a promise that I can keep for sure, for sure.

What I do know is that I can live a life where I promise to try real hard and do my best.  It is important to me to know that I have put in a full day even if that full day is resting.  It is important to me to take care of myself and those who I love.  

I get caught up sometimes with my expectations.  I have VERY high expectations for life and always have.  I believe this comes out of having a pretty tough childhood. It wasn't until I was nine that I remember life settling down somewhat.  Up until then, I didn't have much of anything so when I got something I loved it dearly and brought it into myself.  I remember gifts I got for holidays, the bean bag chair and tape recorder.  Watches on my birthday.  I remember becoming attached to small places where I could sit alone and center myself.  But, event then, having little, I wanted something for myself, I wanted to be a person.  A wonderful person. A beautiful person.  A precious person.

What I didn't know was that I already was.  I didn't know that there was nothing I could do or 'swear by' to become that person.  I was a young girl who wrote poetry and walked miles along cow paths in the countryside.  I daydreamed and planned.  I became who I was going to be and there is little I can do to become better because I am already the best I can be.

I speak in the first person here, but only to tell you a story so you can relate it to yourself.  You are who you are.  Whatever that is, it is the best.  It is already within you and you don't need to 'improve' or 'swear by' anything to get or be better.  Rest assured that all you are is already in there--inside of you and you have it to show the world whenever you want to.  Or not.

Take Good Care Today.

Time

Time is a mystery isn't it?  There are times in our lives when we don't have a second to catch our breath because life is so busy.  Then there are times when we have so much time on our hands we don't know what to do with ourselves!  Time presses on no matter.  Whether we fill our moments with a ton of events or we just let time happen and watch it evaporate...either way...it dissipates.

I feel like I spend a lot of TIME thinking about how to spend my time.  I don't like wasted time.  That is, I like to know I've accomplished things that need to be done before I waste time.  It feels good, after having worked hard, to waste a little time doing nothing much.  When I work all day, I look forward to the couch because that is one of my places where I do virtually nothing.

I also don't like others to waste my time.  My time is precious.  I want to be treated with the respect that any human deserves when it comes to my time.  I enjoy my time even if I am doing nothing spectacular with it, so if you bother me, you better have a reason.  I don't mean to say I'm unfriendly, I just mean, I don't want my time wasted.  I want the common courtesy of not having my time wasted.

I also want to be paid for my time.  If I am performing a job that is in my professional field and you are not my best friend, you're going to have to pay me for my work.  That is just how it rolls.  I wouldn't expect you to perform a job for me without paying you, because that is how you make your living.  I want to support people who need to make a living, and frankly, that's all of us.  I don't want to take advantage of someone's skill set.  That said, I don't mind trading time with others.

Time is a valuable commodity.  It slips away from us so easily. We spend years of our lives agonizing over the menial and frivolous when in reality, there is not enough time for that. We put our blood, sweat, tears and time into things that really are of no consequence...maybe that's a good thing?  Maybe it's just a thing. We have no idea how much time we have, yet sometimes we spend it like it's dispensable.  Perhaps it is.  We'll never know.

Think about time today.  How will you spend it?  Are you wasting your time?  If you are, I hope you are having a blast doing so!

Take Good Care Today.

You Create Your Own Reality

I am working on not being an emotionally run person.  I've been working on this for as long as I've known what emotions were.  When I was younger, however, I didn't know emotions could be controlled by me.  I didn't realize that not only was I NOT at the beck and call of my emotions--I had created them!  I just didn't know these insights.

I know them now.  This does not by any means mean that I am a whole lot better at living a life with my emotions at bay.  I wish I were.  I have found that if I am really tired, that's it, I'm done.  My emotions wreak havoc on my worn-down self.  But, even knowing this has been a benefit.  My husband recently lost his mother and he has noticed that when he is tired, he can't handle things well.  Unfortunately, when we are not handling things well, we get even more tired and this can be a vicious circle.  But, we live and learn.

Emotions like to be felt and they like to be heard.  That is the nature of what an emotion is.  We have to come to the realization that WE are NOT our EMOTIONS.  We feel emotions.  We do not exist as an emotion.  Knowing this, we should be able to live our lives in better form.  We should remind ourselves daily that the feelings we feel have been created by the stories we tell ourselves.  Sometimes those stories are not based in reality.  Our reality is what we make it.  It is what we think it is.

Try to view the world today.  Watch it but don't get pulled into the emotional side of it.  Feel, but don't react.  You may discover you've had a much better day.  Don't tell yourself any stories about today.  Just live it.  I'm going to try this, too.  You are not alone!  Here's hoping we both do well!

Take Good Care Today!